Stop Trying to Get Amber Heard Fired: The Myth of the “Deserving Victim”
Why do we punish those who have already been to hell and back?
I think we can all agree that abuse is a serious issue. In Canada, in 1993 about half of women experienced either physical or sexual violence at some point in their life and a 2014 survey found that approximately every 6 days a woman is murdered by an intimate partner. While these stats look a little dated, movements like #metoo and #timesup have demonstrated the issue is still very much present today and still incredibly under-reported. It’s no secret that abuse disproportionately affects all non-male genders. While men are most commonly the abusers, it is a fact that men also experience abuse. (interestingly in my research for this article, I found that it is generally untrue that men are less likely to report incidents of violence than women)
Perhaps because the attention to these powerful movements has waned or because some people are uncomfortable challenging the status quo or it could even be the seductive myth of gender equality causing people to want to examine “both sides” of the issue, whatever the reason, I have noticed (anecdotally) there now seems to be a growing population of people on my feed and in the comment sections of shared posts who would like to have the spotlight refocused on men in the role of abuse victims. I see this most prominently in the response to Johnny Depp’s recent rehashing of his toxic former relationship with Amber Heard following his termination from the set of Pirates of the Caribbean — a series adored by many, even myself at one point (you’d be hard-pressed to get me to watch and enjoy anything beyond a sequel in a series). I agree that domestic violence occurs against men and when it does it is just as gut-wrenching as when it happens to a woman. I believe the people who support Johnny Depp have good intentions. I even believe that Amber Heard was also a toxic presence in their short-lived marriage. Yet, I believe these people who are now trying to ruin the life of Amber Heard are largely misguided. Let me explain.
Interestingly, I typically don’t follow any celebrity news. I recognize celebrities as people who are equally deserving of privacy. In general, I have very little desire to know anything about people I do not know personally, let alone scrutinize the deeply intimate details of their difficult and personal relationships. I think it is tragic that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have enough of their information open to the public that I feel I am able to make a comment on the abusive dynamics of their relationship. I have no desire to lay out the evidence of abuse on either side here, but if you would like to read a well reasoned article that explores the nuance in some of the evidence available to the public, I would recommend reading this.
However, I feel the need to say something. Not because I am a badass left-leaning intersectional feminist, but because of the intense emotion I see behind the posts my friends and loved ones have been sharing online regarding the issue. I think this controversy has hit a sore spot for many.
I have read comments from male survivors who have been deeply touched by Johnny Depp’s experience. It is not my intention to take that away from them. I believe men also need representations of male survivors to look to for inspiration as well. Unfortunately, I don’t think Johnny Depp is a “survivor” nor should his former partner be vilified for surviving their relationship. I feel a need to say something because I see an issue uprising in this misguided passion for #justiceforjohnnydepp (unsure if this is the proper hashtag) that needs to be addressed before we start swinging the pendulum backward and further oppressing the (by far mostly female but also male) victims of abuse. So, let us explore why that is the case.
Before I continue, I would like to add the disclaimer that I did not do a thorough review of the evidence available before writing this. I read only enough that I feel I am able to comfortably come to a conclusion based on my understanding of abuse acquired in my education as a social worker, experience as a researcher, reasoning developed in being a legislated decision-maker, and personal experience as a survivor of abuse. I understand that some of the evidence on either side is questioned as credible or falsified, I don’t think it is necessary nor beneficial to discuss the he said she said here because this article isn’t really about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s relationship, it’s about all imperfect survivors of abuse regardless of who was the abuser in this one specific relationship.
I think members of the general public begin to misunderstand survivors of abuse when it comes to the general psychology of abusers and the power dynamics at work in abusive relationships that is demonstrated in Amber Heard’s and Johnny Depp’s now defunct relationship. These, I think, are relatively easy to explain and apply to this case. First and foremost, abuse is about power and control. Abusers do what they do to remain in control of their victims for their sole advantage, though they will likely not see it that way (i.e. they will be in denial about the intentions of their behavior) unless they are severely mentally ill. For this reason, they will often be with a person who is vulnerable in some way so that the victim becomes reliant on the abuser and the abuser can exploit those vulnerabilities to ensure their needs and wants are met .
I think in the case of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, the imbalance of power is quite clear: Johnny Depp is an incredibly famous, wealthy, respected, and powerful actor. Amber Heard is, well, Amber Heard — also an actor, but one who doesn’t hold nearly as much power in Hollywood as her former husband. I can only imagine how intimating it would be to be with a person of such power in my career field. As stated, I am not going to go into details or hash validity of the evidence, but it has been demonstrated that Johnny Depp was controlling when it came to Amber Heard’s career from what movies she played a role in, which actors she worked with, and what scenes she agreed to. I suspect is it only because Amber Heard already had an established career before their marriage that she was able to end it when she did. And I don’t think it is coincidence that we see now how Johnny Depp’s attempt to flip the script on Amber Heard has resulted in people targeting her career with hashtags like #fireamberheard.
Now, going back to the psychology of abusers. In a nutshell, abusers (in general) refuse to admit they are abusive and typically try to insist that they are the victims of the situation — try to wrap your head around that for a moment. Imagine a friend, sitting by your side, their emotional and confiding in you that their partner is abusive despite your friend’s perfect behavior. If they are admitting no fault or responsibility in the situation, odds are they are the abuser. Now, even more mind-bending, try to gauge that from the perspective of the victim. Your abuser regularly and persistently judges, criticizes, and scrutinizes your behavior and accuses you of being abusive. However, unlike the abuser, you will likely consider whether what they are saying is true, examine your behavior, acknowledge inappropriate or toxic behavior and most likely feel remorse for it. You admit your wrongs, but they refuse to even acknowledge theirs. Now if you admit to the friend the abuser confided in earlier that you did x, y, or z, you have (from their perspective) validated what your abuser told them. This is also why abusers typically try to discredit their victims, so that when they give an accurate account of what happened, everything negative they say about the abuser comes into question.
When it comes to Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, we see these qualities present as well. Johnny Depp has repeatedly denied any allegations of abuse against him, despite evidence proving the contrary. Proof that was validated in a court of law. Enough proof that his defamation case against Amber Heard was thrown out. The defamation case he filed once he faced the judgement of his employer’s stance on hiring abusers. A defamation case for two articles in which Amber Heard was advocating for survivors of domestic abuse and that Johnny Depp was not actually named in. On the contrary, Amber Heard has admitted engaging in violent behavior against her former husband. These two sentiments together indicate it is more likely Johnny Depp was the abuser int their relationship. And while Johnny Depp is claiming Amber Heard has made theses allegations against him (which were validated in court several years before he was fired) to “boost her career” we see precisely the opposite occurring due to the backlash she’s now facing for speaking out.
Truth be told, the issue becomes most complicated when you begin to acknowledge the toxic, sometimes violent, behaviors of the victim, which is sadly not uncommon in abusive relationships. The myth of the “deserving victim” was not something I encountered, not even in my formal education, until I personally experienced accusations of “mutual” or “reactive” abuse (abusing your abuser). Actually, the myth of a deserving victim is not something I’ve seen explicitly addressed anywhere.
Society holds a preconceived notion of what a victim should look like. You know the one. A sad downtrodden helpless housewife who can’t cook dinner right. She is utterly powerless. She’s had the life beaten out of her. She has no voice. You see the pain hidden in plain sight on her face in quick passing glances. You’ve seen her in movies and on pamphlets, maybe she’s been your neighbor or a friend of yours. It’s heartbreaking to know what she’s going through. You hope she gets out of this situation one day. You are rooting for her. You offer to help however you can to this woman, while avoiding eye contact with your friend’s “crazy” partner. You perpetuate the myth of the deserving victim. Yes, there are victims of abuse who fit the above description.
However, most victims do not.
I think we forget that victims are just as human as the rest of us. When someone mistreats you, you may feel disrespected, maybe sad, maybe angry. Our behaviors are a result of our emotions. If someone calls you names, you will likely have a moment where you want to call them names right back. If someone pushes you hard enough, you just might want to push them back. All feelings one experiences after mistreatment are appropriate, it is the behavior that can become problematic.
It’s important to acknowledge that many victims of abuse do not want to see themselves as victims. Being in the position of “victim” is damaging to one’s self-esteem and confidence. In many cases, both the victim and abuser may be in a state of denial about the dynamics of their relationship. No one wants to be in an abusive relationship, so many victims will try to do what it takes to change the circumstances. Many victims try standing up for themselves. They try reasoning with their abusers over and over again, all while being subjected to ongoing abuse. They try approaching their partners calmly. They read books about how to communicate more clearly and peacefully. They ask a therapist what is wrong with them so they can stop the abuse from continuing. They try something, some try everything, and eventually they reach the threshold for which they are able to cope with the abusive behavior, they break.
No one enters a relationship anticipating abuse, which means no one enters a relationship with the emotional control and coping techniques that would be required to endure sustained abuse. And quite frankly, no one ever should have to. So, after a while the victims start to yell back. Yelling turns to screaming. They start asking their partner to please stop being an a**hole or to just please F**** off so they can get some sleep. Eventually, victims start to push back against the abuse in attempt to regain the control that was taken from them by a person they love. Now, even to the skilled eye, without know the history of the relationship and both parties one can’t be sure who is the victim and who is the abuser.
For those of you who are now at the cliched thought “why don’t victims just leave?”, let us recall that victims have a vulnerability the abusers are exploiting to maintain control. Depending on the amount of power and control the abuser has, the victim may feel utterly stuck. And many are indeed stuck, short of uprooting their and (potentially) their children’s lives and starting from scratch — which, surprise, a lot people don’t want to do.
What makes a person vulnerable could be almost anything. The victim might be financially reliant on the abuser, but they might not. They could have loads of money, but maybe they have an illness that leaves them dependent on their abuser to get their daily needs met. Perhaps they have children with their abuser who threatens to take their children away. It could be an intense fear of abandonment that the abuser uses against them. An abuser can use literally almost anything of importance to you that they have has real or perceived control over to try to exert control over their victim.
At first glance, the situation between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp looks complicated and too nuanced to discern who was the abuser in the relationship, but honestly Johnny Depp’s behavior in this case is quite typical of an abusive person. But whatever the situation between them truly is, remember, this article isn’t really about Amber Heard or Johnny Depp. Regardless of who was the abuser in their relationship, it is time we start to break the stigma of being an imperfect victim and the myth that victims are only deserving of support if they behave the way we think a victim should.
So please, stop trying to ruin Amber Heard’s — or any other imperfect survivor — life for responding to abuse in an imperfect way. Please stop calling your friend’s partner “crazy” for yelling (back). Please stop placing the expectation that anyone who is enduring abuse should do so peacefully.
